GMS/TEAMS
SEASONS
CAREER STATS
Dan and Kevin’s Fearless Forecasts-1934
Here we go again, another installment of the wonderful musings by Everything's better with Bacon Media Group' & freelance writer who has no regard for anyone's personal feelings; or the fact that this author may not really know a damn thing about baseball or DMB?
*Disclaimer* None of the musings and meanderings of an otherwise unorthodox left handed dreamer is based in reality or facts. ...or are they? *Is he a genius or a fat toad?*
MLB/NGL 1934 Season Averages
Batting .278/.341/.393/.734 ops
Pitching 4.26 era, 13.1 R/9
AMERICAN LEAGUE:
Gashouse Gorillas
Batting - Wilson Williams pulled out his Waner. That is the offensive plan, Ryan said so. C+
Pitching - The Gorillas will struggle this season, their pitching is below the average of the league overall, real life is 13.1 our league leans high 12s, they are 13.7. D
Jersey City Skeeters
Batting - Cool Papa is going to get a little warm running the bases & scoring all those runs ahead of Simmons & Collins, it's a solid plan. B
Pitching - Rowe will anchor a staff that will have some moving parts throughout the season as it gets harder to consistently have 4 guys throwing quality 300 innings in this league. C+/B-
Mudville Nine
Batting - Brent has cracked the offensive code, they are going to be a pesky team with plenty of ability to score runs! B-
Pitching - Newly drafted Paul Dean is clearly the ace of this staff, it's not going to go overly well beyond that. D+
Georgia Pines
Batting - Gehrig still knows how to assert his will, Ott has arrived & Ruth will blister the league for 70% of the season. B+/A-
Pitching - The Pines have strong bows this season chucking pine cones! Dizzy is throwing blistering heat, Davis/Deringer/Welch will be well above league average 2/3/4! A-
Vegas Vipers
Batting - People if you have a SHLUB 1B, buy 1 year of Oscar Charleston from Doug, he's inexpensive, this man need to play all season, do it NOW! Bonura, Berger, Harnett, they have a solid foundation offensively. B/B+
Pitching - Fitzy & Bell are damng good and you can bet on betts 50% of the time, they are better than the narrative of averages. C+
Nova-Scotia Miners
Batting - Leslie Allen is a fair lady but there is no crying in baseball. C-
Pitching -Lefty Gomez is how this team will over achieve, can he perform to that weight load? C-
Indianapolis Racers
Batting - Any team with Foxx has a shot, but they have lots of support around him, they'll have no problem racing the basepaths! A-
Pitching - Harder/French/Brandt are not as bad as some of these other broken depth finders. Hanes could summon the strength to be the best closer in the AL. B
Flint Vehicles
Batting - Not heavy hitters but this team is extremely deep, they will most likely over perform on the offensive side of the ball. B+
Pitching - They are not going to be shutting the avenues down on the basepaths, Auker looks like he could muscle his way to an AS appearance though. D+
AL Standings Projection:
Georgia Pines
Jersey City Skeeters
Indianapolis Racers
Vegas Vipers
Gashouse Gorillas
Mudville Nine
Flint Vehicles
Nova-Scotia Miners
*Notes* I think the top 3 teams on paper are just about in stone, barring a trade of some sort I don't expect the others to get really that close, Vipers maybe but it would still be a steeper climb.
National League:
Wheaton Warbirds
Batting - One of or the best on base ability teams in the league, coupled with that pitching bohemith, writing is on the wall. Josh Gibson is the best player in the league. B+
Pitching -3 + 300 inning Aces, Kiss my ass Adam, I hope your dad makes ice for you in front of his front door the next time you visit him and you end up like Harry on Home Alone. A+
Peoria Caterpillars
Batting - Plenty of runners on base and the ability to knock them in, I would expect this offense to end up being top 3 in the NL. B
Pitching - Will Carleton end up being the best arm on this staff in the sim? It could certainly work out that way. C
Queen City Baseball Club
Batting - 70 year old Turkey the bowling shark has a massive season. This is more like a carousel type offensive, I expect them to be quite good. B+
Pitching - Rhem & Bush are solid but I suspect they aren't enough to overcome the mediocrity of the whole. D+/C-
Baltimore Terrapins
Batting - Jimmy is not asked to be a bridesmaid, Jimmy responds by not wanting to bat this season. Manush is an AS candidate, its a long season Jimmy, keep your head up. C-
Pitching - Warneke/Mungo/Swift are not near as good as Warbirds 3 but hey its much better than league average. Now if Jimmy would focus his attention on writing his next book about have a 4th SP worth a damn. B
Panhandle Artesian Wells
Batting - Werber is a stud! Dickey, Johnson, Hafey, yeah they are solid, but the overall is lacking a bit of oomph. C
Pitching - Schumacher & Bridges are a solid springboard, they quickly fall of from that plateau, it was a good thought. C
Custers Crimson Tide
Batting - Greenberg, our hopes lie in your gym bag sir. Take Barry Bonds creamy clear, do whatever you need, carry us our prince. B
Pitching - No one throws 300 innings like Adams friends that he has coming over to his meth lab. Jim Willis does know how to setup a propane tank to explode, watch you damn Warblers! B
Sunderland Storm
Batting - Kevin can't even figure out what Tim is doing here, Mr. Deale went to lunch and never came back. C+
Pitching - Anyone seen the film 'Hacksaw Ridge'? If Tim was younger, do you think he could have played Ghoul? Satchel Paige & McDonald, you people are sick around here. A
Willoughby Starlings
Batting - Don't get your knickerbockers in a bunch, we'll suttle this like men. That was Dave's drunken clubhouse speech in spring training. B-
Pitching - Dave never said he knew anything about pitching, that's why he's always just shouting 'Busssch' from the dugout and another can is popped open. D
NL Standings Projection:
Wheaton Warbirds (154 wins)
Sunderland Storm
Custers Crimson Tide
Baltimore Terrapins
Peoria Caterpillars
Panhandle Artesian Wells
Queen City Baseball Club
Willoughby Starlings
*Notes* Adam will walk away from the division by game 20, the rest of the season he'll be trying to graduate from arm floaties to an innertube in the kiddy pool. Tim will be looking to put on some weight while also balancing his fiber in-take.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1934 SCL Predictions
I think Casey Stengel once said, “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you get your nuts kicked in by your own son.” Is it time for me to move on? I think it’s time. Plus the swelling in my right testicle is finally going down. I think it’s time.
Let’s do some predicting.
AMERICAN LEAGUE
Jersey City Skeeters- GM: Kevin G.
You know, for most of our time living on this pale blue dot (That’s for you Dave) you don’t really pay much attention to your testicles, until they swell up like grapefruits, and then it consumes your every waking moment. (I really need to move on.)
The Skeeters are led on offense by Al Simmons, and the finally matured Rip Collins. They provide all the power. Sam Bankhead, Cool Papa Bell and Pepper Martin provide the speed. This team takes a small step back from their 1933 offense.
On the hill Preacher Rowe is strong, and Bobo Newsome walks a lot of batters. Their pitching takes a few steps back from 1933.
Gashouse Gorillas- GM: Ryan Buckley
As a youth Ryan went to the Little League World Series. He was 17 at the time, and they wouldn’t let him play. It wasn’t because he was 17, he just really sucked at baseball.
Dan has a little league brain.
Jud Wilson and Paul Waner are an impressive 1-2 punch, but Waner is your home run guy? That might cause problems. Lefty O’Doul and George Scales are part time players. That might cause a problem.
Their pitching might be the worst in the AL. That’s a problem. Red Ruffing is a work horse, the rest of the staff are mules at best, asses at worst.
Indianapolis Racers- GM: Terry Baxter
Terry is “old school” He disdains emails, and texts and any form of electronic correspondence methods. He sits down with pen and paper and writes abusive letters to his neighbors just like the old days. I admire that.
Dan is illiterate.
Jimmie Foxx won’t match his 1933 season, but he is still an elite player. Kiki Cuyler, Pinky Higgins, and Luke Appling will be on base a lot, providing Foxx with plenty of rbi opportunities.
Harder will win 20, Haines, French, Ferrell, and Brandt could each win 15+.
Flint Vehicles- GM: Chris Cannan
Chris loves to fly. He’s not particular about where he’s going, he just likes the full cavity searches. The ones they do at the Philadelphia Airport are particularly nice…….at least that’s what I heard.
No airport security guard will go anywhere near one of Dan’s cavities.
Step 1: trade away 3 HOFers
Step 2: Learn how to spell Cuccinello
Seems like a plan.
The pitching staff will give up a lot of hits, but they make up for it by not walking batters. Marberry slips a little. Walker, Auker, Hunter, and Frey might not win a lot of games, but they’ll kick ass in the courtroom. (Dial 1-800 PLEA BARGAIN)
Vegas Vipers- GM: Doug Slothower
A couple of seasons ago when Doug once again got swept out of the playoffs, I felt bad for him, and I asked him if he was okay. He said, “Hey, dead whales don’t wave back.” I couldn’t disagree.
Dan once chopped off the head of a beached whale, threw it in his car and took it home. Check that, that was RFK Jr. I got confused because they both had a brain worm.
Dan’s worm starved to death.
They have 5 guys that could hit 20+ Hrs. Charleston, Bonura, Hartnett, Berger, and Jackson will pound the pill. The rest of the team will not. I probably should have tweaked Buddy Burbage’s average down a few points. He could really dominate for half a season.
Fittzsimmons, Bell, Betts, and Birkofer make for a decent starting 4. Chet Brewer will save a lot of their games. The rest of the staff is garbage. No self respecting dumpster diver would go near them.
Nova Scotia Miners- GM: Matthew Schultz
Matt’s dog ate a bunch of SCRABBLE tiles. He took him to the vet. No word yet.
Dan’s favorite word is ointment.
Sam Leslie and Ethan Allen will supply 80% of their offense….that’s a problem if you want to score runs. If you really like shutouts then you’ll love this team.
Lefty Gomez is a legitimate Ace, the rest of the staff can’t hold Gomez’s beer. And “oh those base on balls”
Georgia Pines- GM: Joe Clark
Back in the olden days, every kid that ever took music class was given a recorder to play. That plastic, wannabe flute made a noise that was so horrible that nobody ever played it a second time. Not so for Joe. He loved his little recorder. He played “Mary had a little lamb” over and over and over. He plays it to this day. No other song, just “Mary had a little lamb” day and night, night and day, over and over again. Not surprisingly, Joe has never been married, or engaged. No real friends either. Just Joe and his recorder. You do have to admire his commitment to his music.
Dan doesn’t need a recorder to be annoying.
Gehrig is at his peak. So is Ott. Ruth isn’t Ruthian, but he’s still a threat to beat you. Bert Johnson and Felton Snow round out a nice core of hitters.
Dizzy Dean will shine. Curt Davis will shine with him. They will both win 20+ games. Pitching has historically been the Pines Achilles heel, maybe not this season.
Mudville Nine- GM: Brent Porter
Brent joins in on every All-Star game and playoff game played live. He wears a different Taylor Swift t-shirt every time. I mean the guy is a true-blue diehard Swiftie. In some way, aren’t we all Swifties?
Dan runs the Michigan chapter of the Taylor Swift Fan Club. He’s the only member, nobody else will join. Completely understandable.
Vosmik, Trosky, Vaughn, and the newly acquired Goslin will improve the Nine’s offense.
Rookie Paul Dean is the Ace. The rest of the staff are the 2 you flip over in a game of War.
NATIONAL LEAGUE
Custer’s Crimson Tide- GM: Dan Bacon
Some people say that Dan is not too bright. (Mostly me) He did recently get beat up by an inflatable tube guy in front of a Costco. It seems Dan had had enough of its constant waving. He paid the full price for a Costco beat down. Like I said, not too bright.
Hank Greenberg comes of age this season. Marv Owen and Billy Rogell are All-Star caliber infielders. There’s just not enough hits in this lineup.
Willis, Hoyt, Lee, and Porter are a pretty good starting 4. I do see a lot of blown saves in their future.
Sunderland Storm- GM: Tim Deale
Tim was a roadie for Warren Zevon. “Excitable Boy” was based on Tim’s childhood.
Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” is about Dan’s childhood. Please don’t ask Dan about it. It’s a story best left untold. It’s a sad story as well. The hamster died.
Every season Tim manages to put together a line up with an incredible lack of home run power. Shortstop Eric McNair (a failed Skeeter keeper) is their lone power guy. Yikes.
Their SLG% is below .400. Yikes, they better have some pitching.
They did get Pie Traynor for a 6th round draft choice. (While the Gorillas got a #3 catcher that hits .209 for a 5th round pick) There’s a chalk outline on the floor where that trade murder took place.
Satchell Paige and Webster McDonald could both win 25+ games. They better. The Storm are woefully lacking in any other starters that could win 10 games. Tim will need to do some juggling.
Wheaton Warbirds- GM: Adam Graham
#@%!*#@#*!# I think that about sums it up. (I really have not moved on.)
Johnny Moore, Josh Gibson, Chuck Klein and Sam West will excite the Warbird fans. The rest of the offense will fill them with ennui. (It’s French for a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of excitement.)
No ennui with this staff. More like ooh la la. (That’s French for holy shit these guys are good.) Slim Jones, Carl Hubbell, and Ted Trent could all win 30. (Will we see a 3-man rotation?) If they fail, the Warbirds fail.
Peoria Caterpillars- GM: John Momberg
John used to join in for the live games, but one time his Wife barged in and said, “Would you hurry up with your stupid dead ballplayers nonsense. It’s time to shave Grandma.” He hasn’t joined in since.
Dan started to shave online during his World Series matchup against the Vipers. Usually no one would have cared but he was manscaping.
Ray Dandridge will wreck some pitchers for 100 games. The recently acquired Bill Terry will do it for 154 games, the same goes for Earl Averill. The rest of the offense will just be a nuisance.
Willie Foster will once again be the Caterpillars best pitcher. He’ll probably finish 8-9. In 12 seasons he has never won as many as 17 games. His typical game is 6 innings of 3-hit ball and then BOOM!! 5 runs in the 7th. Or 8 innings, one earned run allowed, removed for a pinch hitter in the 9th with a 3 run lead, and BOOM!!! A blown save. I ‘m hoping he goes 17-2 this season. Fred Frankhouse will back up Foster, not pitch as well and win 18 games, just to piss me off.
Willoughby Starlings- GM David Kuehn
Dave and I share the love of a good Stephen King book, as well as being fan boys of Carl Sagan. He’s also really into Amish softcore porn fan fiction. It’s not my thing, but who am I to judge. I can’t get enough of Harlequin Romances. Dan turned me on to them. We may both be gay.
Charlie Gehringer and Roy Johnson are very good. Mule Suttles is good, and will actually be able to play some outfield this season. Unfortunately Jim Bottomley has a down season, and Alex Radcliff disappears.
This is a pitching staff that would give me nightmares. Not the one where I can’t find my pants on the morning of the big test, and I go to school in my tighty whities with the skid mark on them. No, this nightmare has Freddy Kreuger and Jason Vorhees where they team up to kill a bunch of teen age virgins at a lake, and I’m always the 1st virgin impaled on Jason’s machete, and not in a good way.
Baltimore Terrapins- GM: Jimmy Keenan
We all know Jimmy has had several baseball books and a Civil War book published, but he also wrote a children’s book several years ago. “All Cats Go To Hell” I loved it, but for some reason it didn’t sell well.
Dan wrote a children’s book called, “Mommy’s Got a Big Booty.”
Heinie Manush (There’s a porn movie joke in there somewhere.) leads a Terrapins’ offense that couldn’t beat my Little League team. Hartley’s Construction was a beast of a team in 1970.
Lon Warneke, Van Lingle Mungo, Earl Whitehill, and Bill Swift make for a decent 4-man rotation, the rest is potluck at a Bombay food festival. Curry….ugh…it’s the devil’s spice.
Panhandle Artesian Wells- GM: V
V recently had his hip replaced with a waffle iron. He’s not walking very well but his Belgium Waffles are to die for.
Dan has the IQ of a waffle.
Bob Johnson, Bill Dickey, and Billy Werber are All-Stars, and I do love me some Chick Hafey. The rest of offense is less than admirable.
Hal Schumacher may throw 3 no-hitters, Tommy Bridges might throw 2. The rest of the staff…not so much.
Queen City Baseball Club- GM: Joe Coombs
Joe’s cat drank a bottle of invisible ink. He took him to the Vet, but they’re still waiting to see him.
Dan doesn’t understand that joke.
Turkey Stearnes is MVP material. Unfortunately he supplies the only power on this team. Mickey Cochrane is an All-star catcher and Tuck Stainback has a porn star name.
Fritz Ostermueller is your best pitcher? That can’t be good. Guy Bush is pretty good, but I’ve learned to never trust anybody named Guy.
AMERICAN LEAGUE:
1. Pines- Ruth’s last hurrah.
2. Racers- Foxx will carry this offense.
3. Vipers- too much power to ignore
4. Skeeters- a long shot at a Wild card
5. Gorillas- a shoo in for 85 losses
6. Nine- Nein!! (That joke will never get old.)
7. Miners- keep digging
8. Vehicles- low on gas
NATIONAL LEAGUE:
1. Warbirds- it hurt my soul to type that.
2. Storm- it hurt my spleen to type that.
3. Caterpillars- do it for Willie.
4. Crimson Tide- despite Dan being the GM.
5. QC- Guy Bush will drag this team down on purpose.
6. Starlings- A group of starlings is called a chattering. A group of really bad pitchers is called a nightmare.
7. Terrapins- a group of turtles is called a bale.
8. PAWS- it hurt my cervix to put the PAWS last.
The Racers beat the Vipers, and then beat the Pines in the ALCS. (Come on Jimmie.)
The Caterpillars will beat the Storm, and then beat the Warbirds in the NLCS. (Come on Willie)
The World Series will go 7 games with Willie Foster facing Jimmie Foxx in a 3-2 game with a runner on first and 2 outs in the 9th.